Female desire is a big issue these days. What it is. How it works. What it needs. What we don’t know about it. Why women lose it. How and if they can get it back. If there is a drug that can re-create it. (There are lots of people working hard on this one.)
I am so turned on by women’s desire. Mostly because I want desire to be a big part of my life. And I think a woman’s connection to her sexuality and desire can be the difference between a life lived plodding along and a life lived deeply and fully. So my ears perk up at every mention of it. And the more I read about it, think about it and listen to other people thinking about it, the more I think about what we are NOT talking about.
First of all, the very term “female desire” comes with a whole host of baggage for most women. Shame around what is “normal” or what they “should” be doing or feeling. Shame around what they really want but can’t ask for. Disappointment in their current desire-deficient lives. Trying to openly and honestly embrace desire while living in a culture that dishonours and fears it. Trying to fit it in on a large list of priorities.
Here’s what I don’t think we are talking about enough. And I’m not just talking about the conversations happening on the radio or in the media. I’m talking about in circles of women. At the poolside. Picking up the kids at camp. Drinks on the patio. After yoga class. During coffee talks.
Let’s talk about the challenges of maintaining desire in a long-term relationship because sometimes desire needs newness, the unknown, the first time, spontaneity…..not routine, stability and constancy.
Let’s talk about how a woman’s desire might skyrocket if, instead of experiencing fast-forward sex (because everyone is exhausted, overwhelmed, tuned out, stressed out and disconnected), she was treated to hours of build-up, whatever touch she wanted and however she wanted to proceed. If her every wish was possible.
Let’s talk about what would happen to a woman’s desire if she felt that she could honestly say what she wanted.
Let’s talk about ways to un-numb a woman’s desire. Ways to lift off the heavy burdens that cover it up like “it’s been too long”, stress, fatigue, self-loathing, disconnection with the body, a long period without a partner, a broken heart.
Let’s talk about how it is literally impossible for a woman to feel desire if, instead of feeling adored, nourished, beautiful and sacred, she feels overworked, overstressed, undernourished and undervalued. (I’m not talking about how a woman is treated by her partner only but how she is treated by society as well.)
Let’s talk about how a woman’s desire is nuanced. That she doesn’t only need intimacy, connection and gentle touches. Sometimes she needs to be ravished. Taken. Roughly. There is no key-in-lock approach to what a woman truly desires except for what she desires for herself. Changing on a daily basis.
Let’s talk about the connection between a woman’s desire and her general level of happiness. It’s awfully hard to be filled with desire when you are unhappy. Depressed. Unmotivated. Uninspired. In a dead-end job or a dead-end relationship or just wondering “Is this all there is?”
Let’s talk about how hard it is for a woman to maintain a vibrant sensual and sexual life – that nourishes and feeds desire – when she is always on the go, always distracted, always tired, always worried, always thinking about what she needs to do the next day…
Let’s talk about how hard it is for most women to have open and honest conversations with their partners about what they really want and how they really want it. And having those conversations is something that we’ve never been taught to do.
I could go on and on but I know you have other things to do in your life. (I don’t, obviously.)
I’m curious, in the comments below, what conversations do you want to have about women’s desire?
P.S. Look for the upcoming Juicy Woman Revolution course coming in Fall 2015. It’s going to give you a place to feel your truth about your desires.