Today, I’d like to talk about something that women don’t talk about very much.
Our rage. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t nice. It isn’t talked about much.
Otherwise known as anger. Fury. Molten lava heated temper explosion. Storm. Super-duper uncontrollable MAD MAD MAD.
I’ve felt anger before but I have never experienced rage like I do now. Thank you, motherhood. There is something about caring for my children that brings out the sweetest and the most vile in me.
Recently, I had a very interesting insight into my rage. My rage woke up with me one morning and after breakfast, it turned to me and said “It’s on, babe.”
Woah. It wasn’t kidding.
Everything annoyed me. My patience was gone, hightailed it out of there before things got messy. I had no sense of humour, no sense of perspective, no sense of common. My skin prickled, my nostrils flared, every touch and sound and movement provoked me. I felt out of control and a bit scared at this furious beast that I had become. And I couldn’t stop it. Aside from running away, (which I wish I could have done), there was nothing for me to do but try to get through the rest of the day without killing anyone.
The next few days were the same. And I started to figure out that my rage was sending me a message. Not in words – she’s more physical and feral – but a message nonetheless. She was my Lassie (“What’s wrong, girl? Someone fell down a well and needs our help?”). Trying to get my attention and waiting for me to figure the message out. And the message wasn’t that I was super-pissed. Or just angry. But that I was out of balance and hadn’t been filling the well and hadn’t been doing what I need to do in order to be a happy gal. I had had a summer filled with lots of child care, no set routine (which made it hard for me to do my usual daily tasks and life-savers) and I was falling behind in many things I wanted to accomplish in my business. The day the rage knocked on my door was just the day that I couldn’t shut it out anymore.
So I had a chance to think about my current situation, realize that I hadn’t been able to do the things I needed to do to operate from a place of juiciness and that’s where the rage was coming from. The rage was a message from myself to myself. Quite cool, actually.
And then, even more interestingly, there was rage at the rage. I was angry that I was angry. And it took me a bit to figure out why but then I did. I was angry that I was angry because I was secretly thinking YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS.
You should be able to deal with this. This is not a big deal. All these other mothers balance career and children and hectic schedules like a breeze so WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? and WHY CAN’T YOU HANDLE THIS?
And then I felt sad that I felt angry at myself for feeling angry. (You can tell that it was a very emotionally busy time!) And then I thought, f*&k that!! No, I can’t handle it right now. I’m depleted and I haven’t been filling my well and it’s too much today and I need help and I don’t want to be a superwoman because it sounds just exhausting.
This is what I need to thrive and if I don’t have it, I’m gonna get real cranky very soon…
Tons of sleep.
Lots of fun.
Mountains of time to just sit and think and play creatively with my business (I don’t work well quickly).
Dreaming time. Breathing time.
A daily routine where I can get in my workouts, my dancing, my reading and my chilling.
Enough care and attention and fun and loving in MY life so I can to others HAPPILY.
An apartment in Italy where I can run away to on weekends (well, I don’t need this but I WANT it!)
So I listened to my rage for it’s message, which was fill the well NOW or you are in trouble.
I accepted that I do need certain things in order to be happy and that I can’t do it all and I can’t handle it all and I am okay with saying I’ve had enough for now, I need a break, I need some help and I’m crying because I am all out of whack.
I do not want to be an uncomplaining martyr because it’s just not fun and life is too short.
All good things to realize and to SHOUT OUT LOUD!
Our rage is valuable because she is telling us something so important, so integral to our happiness. From every cell in our body, she is yelling “something is NOT RIGHT here!” And it can be easy to not listen to the message. But she is our heroine – she rushes in when sh*t needs to change. She is our champion, yelling at the top of her lungs “This is not working for you. Change this. Switch paths. Do something NOW. You are missing something IMPORTANT in your life.” She is on our team.
By the way, you know what’s really good for getting some anger out? Dancing. Turn the lights off, let your hair down and just go with these two selections from my personal library.
Machine Gun (16 Bit Remix) – Noisia
Born of a broken man – Rage Against the Machine
Now, here’s a question for you. What’s your rage about? What is she telling you?