I have been home for two weeks from the S-Factor retreat in San Diego.
Worth the price of admission, folks.
Yup, my mind and my heart were blown. I had experiences there that shifted something inside. Some doors opened that won’t close again.
I have this fear that it will all slip through my fingers. Trampled by my daily life routine. Suffocated by the lovely grind of motherhood. Betrayed by this feeling that the value of a day is measured in the toil, not in the joy. That each day is about getting things done, production, working hard.
Man, I’m so bored of that. It’s just not fun enough.
So many things happened at the retreat. Some things I am still digesting. But let me share two experiences with you today…
(wait, let’s order a few bottles of champagne before we start…)
One experience that really shifted my whole being was feeling perfect as myself. In myself. It was more than acceptance of all that I was (the sadness, the fear, the shyness, the fierceness, the anger, the lust), it was ADORATION. The voices were silent. No nagging. No criticism. No “you should be/do/say”. No self-doubt. Just this total peace as I wandered about, not trying to fix or change anything about me. Loving who I was. I don’t think I have felt quite like that EVER. Which is a very sad reflection, isn’t it?
And I also started a love affair with what Sheila Kelley calls my “erotic creature”. My inner dancer. My alter-ego. I saw her so clearly for the first time but I also recognized her from so long ago. And I have a feeling that knowing her and letting her be alive in my life will add so much of what I want – more adventure, more fierceness, more rebellion, more UNLEASHEDNESS. (As I write that word, I know it is exactly what I mean. )
If your curiosity is piqued, I’m glad. I will be sharing more experiences with you from the retreat as I wrap my brain around them.
In the meantime, I learned this about myself. I have so much more to learn and love about myself. I have ecstasy in me.
I can go higher.
Thank you for sharing this adventure with me.