This is how Christmas makes my body feel

January 10, 2018

If your fear was a person, what would she be like?

January 10, 2018

I can’t teach you…or me…this

January 10, 2018


When I started this business, I had this idea, perhaps unspoken but there, that I would teach a way to reach perfection. I would teach my way to reach perfection. Learn what I know, do it my way and the result of your hard work will be that you will be forever perfect! Sheltered from the storms. Fitter. Thinner. More beautiful. Happier. Cleaner. With glowy skin and white teeth and everything you have ever wanted.

(By the way, if you want a soundtrack while you are reading this, I recommend Bon Iver, “I can’t make you love me”.)

You will be finished. Done. Complete.

Except that, even though I did this work-o-mine, stuff kept on happening to me. Feeling lost. Failure. Shame. Challenges that seemed endless and unsurmountable. I lost weight. Gained weight. Got fitter. Got unfitter. Long hair, short hair, danced in the ecstasy of being fully fucking alive and then drowned in heart-pulling tears in my bathtub. I was up, I was down…I didn’t know where the fuck I was.

So….problem. If I was doing all of this right stuff, then how come shit kept on happening to me? Was there no guarantee? Was there to be no place reached where I had finally made it and didn’t need to worry about that pesky business of being a messy human? Was NOT THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT to learn (and then to teach) how to live a life free from all of that crap, holding it back with the right movement, tools, mantras, blah blah blah?

And if that wasn’t the whole point, if that wasn’t what this work could give me (and what I could promise to others), then…ummm….what the fuck?!

What was I doing, really? With my moving and my dancing and my body connection and my devotion to pleasure and sensuality and my own flavour of sexuality and my blah blah blah? If I wasn’t SOLVING THE PROBLEM OF LIFE, what was I doing? And if I couldn’t tell women that I could SOLVE THEIR PROBLEM OF LIFE, why would anyone care about what I did?

(Insert months of thinking here…and by thinking I mean crying, drinking red wine, dancing, swearing, writing, breaking down while dancing and hot baths.)

So, here’s the thing. I don’t solve the problem of life. It took me a long time to realize this but now I know for realsies that stuff will always happen. (Please don’t laugh at me, I am sometimes a very slow learner.) I will lose people I love. Maybe in a nice way. Maybe in a tragic way. I will forever face new challenges and some will feel like they will break me. I will have problems in my relationships. I will have distances between myself and my children….I may struggle to know how to love them. I may go through periods where I feel shut down. Where I am very very sad. Or very very tired. Or very very unsure of myself, my work and the world.

This I know is true. I cannot solve your problem of life. I cannot solve my problem of life. Mostly, because it’s impossible. And also, because I don’t want to.

And I also know this. I will go through this life fully alive and fully creative. I will rock myself back and forth with tears as all the truth spills out of me. I will face my inner voice, calling to me. I will write out my rage and dance in my anger. I will face what comes with all of me awake and alive and real. I will open up my body and my heart and my soul to my greatest pain and let it have it’s way with me. I will do this because I want to be fully alive and fully creative in my life – not just the easy parts but all of it.

I will let those hard parts break me apart. I will try to open into them, I will try to breathe, I will dance in my tears, I will move my truth, I will leave no stone unturned. I will grow deeply into myself. I will feel what comes out, what I become out of the ashes. I will try my best to face my life not as something to be conquered but something to be faced with my naked courage and rawness. I will try not to hide from it. I will try not to let things shut me down, turn me to rock, make me hard and joyless.

I will try every day to do this. And this, THIS is the work I do. I can’t solve all of your problems or make the bad stuff go away or shelter you from the gut-wrenching joys and pains of life. But I can help you, me, us, go through this life fully alive, fully creative, fully ourselves and FULLY TURNED ON no matter what is happening.

Please join me for my marketing workshop titled “My business will definitely NOT solve your life problems”. Grab a spot NOW because it’s sure to sell out! (I’m joking.)

Thank you. For reading this. For caring. For thinking and living every day of your life with your dreams and hopes and failures and wisdom and triumphs and learning and hard and beautiful moments. Even when we feel isolated and alone, we really are all in this together. xo


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