I fell off the stage and about the movement I teach

October 21, 2017

Diaries of a retreat – Part 1/3

October 21, 2017

I aM sTuCk

October 21, 2017
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I am going through a stuck period right now. And this is what I usually do when I’m stuck.

Watch movies in the middle of the day. While eating a hamburger and chips.

Get angry at the teacher because I was late for drop-off and because IT’S HER FAULT I’M STUCK!

Rage at everyone. My kids. My husband. Strangers. Above teacher. And then smother them with hugs and love because I feel so badly. (Not teacher.)

Sit in front of my computer, looking at the screen and doing…nothing.

Watch movie trailers. For a long time. Or videos from SickKids and just cry.

Look at my “to do” list, feel immediately exhausted and take a nap.

Take another nap.

Look everywhere for help. Watch videos. Reach for books. Listen to interviews. All of me is screaming out SOMEONE HELP ME BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT.

I also dance, do yoga, cry, journal, meditate, try to breath, try to eat healthy food, make green juice, tell someone else I’m stuck.

Drink wine.

I feel so jealous of everyone who is doing well, who has something exciting going on, who is a SUCCESS.

I doubt every idea, every blog, every dream and think I MIGHT JUST BE WRONG ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

I say “no” to things I should say “yes” to…

My body feels so sluggish. So stuck. So bored. So blah blah blah. I haven’t the energy to do the littlest thing. I know I should get up but I only feel like being down.

AND.

and.

And there are times when I am wise enough to say…

“Oh baby, you’re stuck! That’s why you are watching this movie in the middle of the day with a bag of chips. You’re stuck! You poor thing. I know it feels like shit. You know, why don’t you have a nap after this movie? And you know what? This too shall pass. How do I know? Because we’ve been here before. I remember. It passes and one day, you’ll be on fire again. And it’s okay that you are feeling stuck right now because a) it’s just what’s happening and b) it’s the truth right now and c) there is always something in the gaps for you. Remember? I do. This is when we are forced to sit in this really freaking uncomfortable place and just be. This is where we practice being really kind and loving to ourselves. This is when we have conversations with other people and we say “I’m stuck” and they say “Oh my god, I’m so glad you said that, I’m stuck too!”. This is where the stuff we don’t really want to do just gets left behind and the stuff that really pulls us, that really gets us excited, is the only thing we have energy for. This is the place of Giant Remembering. We’ve been here before. It will pass. See what’s there for us in the gap. Be ever so kind and compassionate. Be still. Be so present in the gap and also, let it pass. It will.”

And it does pass. Until it happens again. Which it always does.

I’ve been thinking about how it also seems possible that whenever I’m stuck, it’s not because things aren’t going anywhere but more that there is about to be a shift into something different. I am not actually mired in the mud but just at the edge of something completely new.

In the comments below, I’d love to know how you go through being stuck without losing your mind.

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1 comment

  1. haha… I think this is completely normal… I get stuck sometimes when I want to make dinner and I have no clue what to make… I feel like a lost rooster jumping around without a head… then I go to the supermarket… and walk and walk… and I go to the frozen freezer section and pick up ideas there… obviously to make from scratch (in my case)… and I get un-stuck, yucky feeling gone 😉 – either that, or take-out! haha

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