This was what my body shouted at me. DON’T SHUT ME DOWN! Really. I could hear her. Have you ever had your body shout at you?
Tell him! Say it!
I want that.
I don’t want to.
I don’t like this place. Get me out of here.
Just. love. me.
I don’t like him/her. I don’t like this. Let’s go.
Don’t do it. Say NO.
Do it. Say YES. Please!
Let me sleep. Be gentle with me. Slow down. Be nice to me.
I was standing in front of the mirror, naked. Looking at my body. With dissatisfaction. I was unpleased with her. I didn’t like the way she looked. And as I looked at her, with all of this disdain, I could feel that criticism tighten me. I could feel how it shut down my joy. Deflated my energy. Turned down the volume on all of my good vibes and jacked up the volume on all of my toxic thoughts about what I was or wasn’t eating, how much exercise I had done or not done, what I was doing wrong, WHY I wasn’t better. Fitter. Thinner. More beautiful. More perfect.
A big part of me wanted to stop looking at myself, sink into anger and depression, stick my body into sweatpants and a baggy shirt and JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT. Not do anything fun, not reward my body, not care about her and ignore her. I wanted to dull her, take away her energy, dim her shine, dress her in clothes that diminished her, deny her, quiet her and basically pretend she wasn’t there.
I wanted to punish her for not being what I wanted her to be.
What do you want from me? I shouted.
She said, don’t shut me down.
DON’T SHUT ME DOWN.
Don’t. Shut. Me. Down.
As much as I wanted to run away at that moment, a voice told me to step right toward what I feared. To reach out and touch what I wanted to recoil from. She told me to stay when I wanted to run. To step right into that uncomfortable place, even further than I already was. She was telling me to run towards my body instead of running away from it.
Well, when you are hearing that many voices, it must be a sign so….I stepped towards my body. I ran my hands all over her. I danced. I relished. With every breath, I went more into her. Into everything – the disconnection, the questioning, the dissatisfaction, the uncomfortableness. And with every moment I spent with her, things started to changed. I didn’t notice what I had disapproved of anymore. I noticed her energy. Her power. Her joy. Her DON’T SHUT ME DOWN vibrancy.
And then I dressed her up and took her out.
She didn’t change. I did.
I am telling this story for a few reasons. Most of them are full conversations in themselves but, life ain’t perfect. So here goes:
Sometimes when every thing inside of us is telling us to RUN, we should stay. When we stay, transformation is possible. When we run, nothing changes.
I do believe that our bodies have voices and can, actually, shout at us. (AAAHHHH!)
I am giving you permission to dress up your body and take her out. Love her madly. Step towards her. Touch her. Listen to her. Reward and pleasure her.
Finally, I have a new program I am releasing over the next few weeks and it is all about the body. My body. Your body. It’s going to be incredible. So, stay tuned and in the meantime….run towards your body.
In the comments below, I’d love for you to share what this blog post makes you think about.