The indecency of pleasure…and a wading pool

 

I was at a wading pool. The water was so so cold and the weather was so so hot. I sat beside two little girls as they played in the pool. One of them dribbled some cold water on my hot leg and it felt delicious.

They were delighted at my delight.  They spent a long time filling up their buckets with cold water and pouring it on my feet. My knees. My legs. I oohed and aahed. They loved it. And then I asked one of the girls if she wanted to feel what it felt like. We switched positions; I filled the bucket and poured cold water on her skin.

It felt like a sacred act – pleasure being given and received from woman to girl and back again. I thought about how little we do this for each other. Moms and daughters. Girlfriends. Women to each other.

Asking for, allowing and receiving pleasure has been so tainted by porn and a puritanical distrust of anything that feels good that most of us have a rock-hard resistance to surrendering to pleasure.  We women learn our lessons well, don’t we? And in a culture where we are yearning to be touched but everything encourages us to keep a respectful distance from each other, giving and receiving pleasure seems like an indecently intimate act.

This moment with myself and these two girls was exquisite. It felt like the most beautiful and natural thing to do and utterly unnatural and forbidden at the same time.

The way we deprive ourselves daily, of pleasure, is such a deep shame. I believe that our skin is yearning to be touched gently. Our senses are designed to moan over that first gorgeous bite of food. Our backs want to arch in ecstasy when that perfectly breathtaking warm breeze finds it’s way through our hair and down our neck. We are built to ooh and aah over a smell, close our eyes over the exact right tickle. What ecstasy the world can offer us when we lose our minds in the pleasure of being adored, gifted, opened, relaxed, seduced, satiated and overcome by smells and touch and food and sound.

Have you ever found yourself holding back that sigh of pleasure, that moan of ecstasy? Have you ever wanted to shift your body during a tickle to receive it in even more of a delicious way, but stopped yourself?  Have you ever found someone’s full sensual enjoyment of something, uncomfortable?

In the comments below, I’d love to hear what your experience is with pleasure. How you think about it in your life. Whether it has a place there or whether it doesn’t. What you were taught about the place of pleasure in your life.

 

WHAT IF. What If. What if. what if. what if. what if…

 

I look around and I see so much of our strength. Our wisdom. Our fucking gigantic hearts and our deep deep wisdom that instinctively is drawn to heal and love. Our beauty…oh my, so much beauty. Our warrior courage. Our magnetic sensuality and our naughty, mysterious, breathtaking, joyful sexuality. And over that, I see the veil. The veil of self-doubt. Comparison. Overwhelm. Bitterness. Guilt. Staying quiet, small and good. Expectations. Shoulds. Numbness. Fear. Shame. Trauma. Feeling like there is a limit to how big we can get, how loud we can talk, how much we can ask for, how much of our real selves we can show and how much space we are allowed to take up in the world.

That veil makes me fucking mad. I want to run down the street and pull it off every woman and then run to the park and dance in the sun for hours and hours until we drop into delicious, ecstatic exhaustion. Feeling so perfectly and absolutely right.

Sometimes we don’t even know that we are asleep. Sometimes we don’t even know there is another way. Sometimes our fear keeps us tuned to the one channel we have learned about what a woman is. It’s not our fault. We are such fucking overachievers than when lessons come our way, we learn them, but good. Even when those lessons about what it is to be a woman come from outside ourselves. Maybe especially then.

But what if…..?

What if.

What if all of our bodies were perfect and totally deserving of every test, every doctors appointment, every healer, every morsel of food, every hour of sleep, every touch and caress and tickle just because.

What if there was nothing wrong with us when we struggled. Got crusty. Got angry. Felt stuck. Failed. Couldn’t decide. What if our symptoms were mostly because we have forgotten how perfect, how beautiful and how absolutely right we are. In every way. In every stage. In every struggle.

What if every struggle we are in, has been felt by other women and even though our pain is our own, it is also pain known and held by our sisters all over the world and what if, we really are never alone.

What if every effort we make to love and nourish ourselves heals not only our wounds but the wounds of our mothers and their mothers and every one who came before us and will come after us.

What if every time we met another woman who was glowing, we didn’t criticize or judge or try to diminish her light but let her light fill us up and lift us up and help us remember where WE WANT TO GO TOO.

What if we are fucking geniuses.

What if we trusted our bodies (instead of the doctor/teacher/trainer/magazine/guru) to know what they need to eat, how much they need to sleep, how they want to move and what makes them purr.

What if we DO know exactly what we want. What if we DO know what we want to say yes or no to. What if we really DO KNOW.

What if we trusted ourselves so deeply that we followed our own voice, our own intuition, our own “gut feeling” without hesitation.

What if we believed that we had every right in the world to ask for everything we wanted in the bedroom. What if we were able to not receive everything we asked for and MORE.

What if we are not broken or flawed or fucked up or failing but just women on a never-ending journey of which every part is to be honoured and celebrated because we are fucking alive and human and divine.

What if every time we went to the gym, we didn’t have to push our bodies into pain, stretch further than was comfortable, crunched until we ached. What if we stopped punishing our bodies and believed that we were desired and loved and worthy, just because.

What if we could just put down the burdens, the pushing, the going, the doing, the constant racing, the running, the go go go go go go go and just rest and rejuvenate and relax and totally approve of that.

What if we all wore bikinis on the beach and looked around and saw thin bodies and big bodies and bodacious breasts and more-nipple-than-breast breasts and juicy jiggly butts and sexily square butts and overflowing with love tummies and tight tummies and short tall fat small dark light old young and thought…“Wow. Look at how beautiful we are.”

What if we didn’t feel guilty about taking a break in the middle of the day because we stopped believing that we needed to “earn our keep” at our jobs, in our relationships and inside our families.

What if, instead of isolating ourselves during our dark times, we reached out and grabbed our sisters hands and pulled them into the dark with us, where they sat, just holding us. What if we didn’t hide our darkness but shared it so NO WOMAN EVER felt like she was the only one again?

What if our girls never lost the natural love of their bodies, seeing the way their flesh and curves grew and expanded and shrunk and stretched as beautiful and worthy stages of the miracle of their story.

What if we unlearned our habit of complaining and became, instead of victims to the boss, the partner, the kids, the husband, other people, the heat, the snow, the news, decided to stand in the full joy of living that we were born with.

What if we overflowed with enthusiasm, joy, bliss, laughter, glow, light, fun and play.

What if we asked for everything we wanted.

I don’t know much. But I know I love you.

In the comments below, I’d love to hear what this makes you think of. What are your “what if’s” in your life now? What are you doing in your life to change the way you feel and move and live, as a woman?

I fell off the stage and about the movement I teach

 

This article is for both people who have been following my blog for many years and maybe have taken classes with me in the past. It is also for new friends who have entered this journey with me later on.

I want to talk about the type of movement I used to teach and what I teach now. My hope is that I will be able to find words for this style of movement and explain the difference between what I do now and what I did then, for those of you who are wondering if there is a difference.

Yes, there is.

To start, I’ve had some pretty good adventures in my dancing career.

My first love was salsa. I don’t know if I have ever had a more alive, more drenched in joy and excitement, more sensual dancing time in my life. Six nights a week I went salsa dancing. That sums it all up. From there, I moved into bellydancing. And hip hop. And jazz. And a bit of swing and a bit of ballroom dancing. (I actually danced in two competitions and mostly remember my teacher telling me “tits to the ceiling”.) And all kinds of African dance. I took a private dance class in Nairobi in the part of town my guidebook told me not to go. The teacher Diana’s house was filled with her neighbours. Who sat watching in chairs against the wall. The whole time. In a very small room.  I have bubbled in Guyana, line danced, taken a summer course in modern dance and probably some other things I have forgotten.

I started to teach dance classes, combinations of hip hop and African and anything else that I felt like throwing in there. It was exciting, even though paying my bills was nerve-racking. It was me doing what I wanted to be doing.

And then, I picked up Sheila Kelley’s book around 2000 and it blew my mind. I was the first person in Toronto to teach exotic dance. I did striptease workshops, white shirt and tie workshops, lapdance workshops, high heel walking workshops.

(I once did private sessions with a man who wanted to learn how to do a striptease dance like Chippendales. On our final session, he took off his underwear. Enough said.)

I taught at stagette parties and danced at private events. I got paid to lapdance all night at a party. I was fortunate enough to co-create and run a dance troupe called “Las Gatas” (with the incomparable, soulful and forever-sister Nikola Steer) that was hired to dance opening weekend at the new Playboy strip club in Niagara Falls. It was exhausting. It was really fun. It was weird. We met feature stripper acts. I did a pole solo. We were introduced as a group from San Diego. I fell off the stage. (More on that later.)

I could dance sexy. Man o man, could I dance sexy. I could just crawl into that persona and I knew what to do. How to work my curves. How to use my eyes. I could tap into that sexuality easier than anything. The clothes, the make-up, the heels, the moves. It was easy for me. It was fun. It wasn’t real. It was an illusion. It was fake.

I loved those years. I loved that energy. And then, I got married and had a kid. I got older. And all of a sudden, sexy wasn’t like that for me. Sexy got complicated. Sexy got hard. My sexy switch wasn’t clickable anymore.

Shit got real.

And the journey for me though my dancing was where the heat of it was. I didn’t want to teach “sexy” dancing anymore. Because it didn’t seem real to me. I couldn’t fake it. My sexy was now tied up in so many other things about me that I couldn’t cut it out from what was going on with me and serve it up, solo style.

When I was in my “sexy dancing” phase, it meant dancing to songs like this one. (Okay, I have to admit, my ass still loves this song…)

I didn’t really know that dancing could be a way for me to record my story. To release my emotions. To give myself permission to feel whatever I felt and be alive and creative in it. To experience ecstasy in movement. To feel totally right – about my body, about my impulse, about my desire, about who I was.

I didn’t know that this way of moving could be anything other than “sexy dancing”.

And then, at a retreat, I danced to this song. My head dropping back. Arching my back. Swirling my hips. In this slow deep sensuality of aliveness, goose bumps on my skin, lump in my throat, tears running down my face and still, moving in my body as my breasts reached forward, my pelvis circles, my hair flew around my face.

This was the sexiest I had ever felt. This was so fucking me, so fucking real, so fucking sexy because I was moving in the rawest truth of who I was. What I was feeling. No illusion. No faking it.

And that changed the way I moved forever. I don’t do just sexy dancing anymore. I do emotional dancing. I do movement that brims over with the realness of what’s going on inside of me. I teach the deepness of sensuality that isn’t for public consumption. I do this movement, this celebration of the body, this dancing to be as fully and as wide and as deep and as real and as free as I possible can be.

And for those of you who are wondering what I did after I fell off the stage, I promptly jumped back up and shouted “I’m okay!” for no good reason at all. And continued to dance.

If you live in Toronto, my next class is on Monday, November 6th. Come and move with me.

 

Your erotic body

 

What happened to you when you read those 3 words? Your. Erotic. Body.

Did you feel intrigued? Curious? Jealous?

Did you roll your eyes and think, fer kerist sake’s, Sophie, enough with the freakin’ body stuff

Did you feel your body shut down? Resist? Turn off?

Did you feel yearning? Sadness? Deep whispering desire?

Did your mind whirl with judgements or self-critical thoughts?

(Perhaps you laughed so hard that coffee went up your nose because there could be nothing further from the reality of your life – as you sit at your desk at work, totally overwhelmed, or at home with children, or trying to be both at work and at home or going through a break-up or just being exhausted and frustrated and too busy and doing a million other more important things….)

Whatever happens, it is interesting to just notice how we react to that powerful image of a woman’s erotic body.

I know there might be some of you who just cannot swallow the feeling of an erotic body right now. Let’s see…what is not erotic? Almost everything we spend our time and energy on. Childcare. Being stuck in traffic. A job you hate. Tension or problems in a relationship. Being in chronic pain. Being injured. Exhaustion. Being ill. Spending all day answering emails, texts, tweets and scrolling through feeds. Rushing. Racing. Driving ambition that leaves no room for anything else. Living in your head. Being an intellectual and above all that body stuff. Spending your day doing, doing, doing for everyone else. Holding things together. Anxiety. Fear. Worry. Self-critical thoughts. Body hatred. Or, just body disconnection. Endless to-do lists. Going to sleep at night worrying about what you didn’t get to during the day and what you HAVE to do tomorrow.

Not erotic.

And basically, just living in a female body in this culture doesn’t really allow us to have a space where we can even think about what it might mean to have an erotic body. We live in a culture that, in so many ways, shapes and forms, devalues the feminine. Devalues the attributes that are most at the heart of what it is to be a woman – collaboration, emotionality, sensuality, the huge range of colours we can feel and play in, intuition, gentle fierceness and the incredible way that our bodies connect to the earth, the moon and everything in nature.

Living in a world that seems to alternate between devaluing, diminishing and outright fearing and hating the feminine doesn’t make us feel safe enough to tune into the frequency of the erotic.

So this is work we need to do together. In a sacred space.

Here’s what “your erotic body” means to me.

Your

As in, for you. Beholden to you. Under your care. Your responsibility. Your sacred temple. Not only the body that you walk around in but also the body that is designed for great emotionality, great bliss, great ecstasy. A body filled with curves and valleys. A body that is likely craving to be caressed, known, discovered. Deeply touched. A body that is not only a history of your life but also a beginning to what else is possible.

Erotic

Sexual. Sensual. The known and unknown. Goosebumps forming as cold water drops. The warmth of a summer breeze across the back of the neck. Stirrings. Yearnings. Unleashed. Thoughts, images, touches that awaken wantonness. Permission to feel whatever there is to feel. A pleasurable drop into the senses. And your deepest, rawest truth.

Body

The physical. The curve of your lower back. The strength of your arms. The softness of the skin on the inside of your wrist. The swing of your hips. The velvet softness of your throat and the heat of the back of your neck. The way energy moves through your body as you curve and release it, the melting of all of your tightness and the ecstasy that comes when your body moves freely.

An erotic body, to me, is a body that is alive and awake, a body that allows emotions to be felt and released, a body that is conscious of it’s desires, a body whose voice and intuition is acknowledged and honoured and a body that is allowed pleasure.

What is an erotic body to you? What would you imagine your erotic body to be? Feel like? Look like?

By the way, if you have a furrowed or angry brow right now because you actually have no freaking idea what an erotic body is, take a deep breath and exhale out. I’ve been there. We have all been there…and some of us are still there. Really, the only question is, are you interested in finding out what your erotic body is?

I’ve created two sacred spaces for you to explore your erotic body.

  1. My “Pleasured Body” program. If you can get to Toronto, we will spend two hours with you and your body. We will start to become interested in how she wants to move, in where she is constricted, in what makes her feel good and in what she needs. I’m working with a small group of women this round and I’m closing registration on Thursday, June 15th. Do you want a spot? Email me.
  2. My monthly feminine soulful movement classes. My next two are on Monday, July 10th and Monday, August 14th. The classes run at The Healthy Joint from 7:00 – 9:00pm. The cost is $30. Email me if you want a spot or more details.

 

 

 

Your body. Pleasured.

 

Your body. Pleasured. Interested?

I have been on a deep relationship with my body for about the last 6 years. (But who’s kidding who – we have all been on a journey with our bodies our whole lives.)

My intention in giving my body attention morphed from being able to accept and be happy with my body, to actually loving my body, to feeling free in my body, to, finally, finding out all of the pleasure my body had stored within her. The journey became about unwrapping all of her treasures. How did I know there were treasures there? I found that whenever I followed her lead, there was a gift. Every time I listened to her, I felt better. Every time I gave her what she wanted, I was filled with self-acceptance and love. She never steered me wrong.

I can now say that I have a pleasure-filled body. She is no longer depleted. She is no longer dry. Or numb. Or disconnected. She is happy. She is thriving. She is fully alive. She is emotionally cleansed and healthy. She hums. She purrs. She growls. She wants. She is AWAKE.

And, by golly, she still has more to give. More to receive. More to teach me.

And what I have discovered is that the more I listen to my body and give her what she wants – the food she wants, the sleep she wants, the calm she wants, the touch she wants, the movement she wants, the pleasure she wants, the PERMISSION she wants, the more she teaches me. About how much pleasure she can really hold. (It’s a lot; more than I could have imagined). About how much joy is inside her. (As well as how much sadness, anger, fierceness, power, radiance, frustration, irritation, joy, surrender, softness, sensuality, sexuality, playfulness…)

I am in awe of her.

The more I live inside my body, the more curious I am about how most of us seem to be living. If you look around you, I’m guessing you will see a lot of stillness. We stand in lines. We sit in chairs. We stand and talk at parties. We sit on couches. We sit on our phones. We sit in our cars.

We are mostly still.

And when we do move, it’s either the hard work of a workout, fast walking to get somewhere or something else that is work. There is not a lot of pleasurable movement for us.

Even the last few conferences and events I have been to that are women-only events have been experiences of the brain. We sat. We talked. We thought. We sat some more.

It is as if we are just brains. No body. Or, more likely, that we are way more comfortable living in the brain and our thoughts and way less comfortable in our bodies so we just ignore them and carry on as if they don’t really exist.

I don’t believe that we are designed to sit and be still. I don’t believe that we will ever shine our brightest light through our brains alone.

And yet we continue to try to get everything we want through our brains; we think, we analyze, we read, we watch, we go over and over something in our heads, we justify, we judge, we deny, we criticize, we try to use our brains to do what our bodies are meant to do.

Which is make us feel whole. Make us feel alive. Worthy. Powerful. Beautiful. Open. Peaceful.

Make us feel at home. Perfect the way we are…with all of our lightness and joy and all of our darkness and pain.

How is your body connection these days? When did you last dance? By yourself or with your kids or with your girlfriends? When did you last have drops of sweating running down your spine in joy? When did you last feel a pleasurable touch on your skin? When did you last stretch slowly and feel the melting away of tension in your neck and upper back? When did you last groan or moan or make a sound as you felt your body open and release?

I believe that women are made to be physically embodied. Our brains are incredibly smart and gifted but when we live in our brains, they can turn against us. We can be devoured by patterns, fear, self-doubt, critical voices, resistance…and all of that can shut down our bodies. We constrict. We tighten. We tense. We shut down.

We shut off all of this life force, this realness, this aliveness, this vibrancy, this power, this joy, this pleasure, this fullness of life in our bodies.

Tell me, what are you feeling in your body as you read this? What is your brain saying to you? What is your body saying to you?

By the way, if you find it is weird that I refer to the body as “she”, ask yourself – have your ever felt divided between what your brain told you and what your gut told you? Have you ever held back from a body impulse (moving in a certain way, reaching out for something) because of what your brain was telling you? Has your mouth ever said, “Yes” as your body screamed “No”?

That is the disconnect. And that is why it is accurate and helpful to distinguish between language of the body and the brain.

So, here is what I’m really excited about. I’m releasing a brand-new program called “The Pleasured Body“.

I’m going to be releasing details about “The Pleasured Body” in the next week.

It is designed to bring a woman and her body back together.

If this is something that you think you are really keen on, please let me know and I’ll make sure you get first-notice on when the program is released.

In the meantime, here is a really easy way to begin to hear the voice of your body.

Give her time.

When you are making a decision, from what to eat for lunch to whether to say “yes” to that job or that invitation or that request, give yourself a few minutes or a few hours to decide. Don’t give your answer right away. Sit with it. See how feeling “yes” to the question feels like in your body. Does it make your body feel open, expansive, excited, peaceful, relaxed? Does it make your shoulders drop, skin tingle (or however “yes” feels like in your body)? Or does it make your body constrict? Does your body tighten, pull in, instinctively protect itself by closing down?

This is a process. This is a skill and a tool to develop. Don’t be impatient. If you can remember all of the years most of us have been using only our brains to make decisions (and not trusting our own sense of rightness), then you will realize that it will take time to unlearn that and to relearn to listen to your own sense and TRUST YOURSELF.

But when we learn to trust ourselves and to listen to our bodies and to follow our pleasure, EVERYTHING CHANGES.

Every. Thing. Changes.

Yes, you DO have that much power inside of you.

Again, if you want to make sure that you hear about this offer first, respond to this email and let me know.

And finally, allow your body to feel good. Allow her to feel pleasure. Answer her call for what she needs to feel good. Allow yourself to RECEIVE.

In the comments below, I’d love to know about what this post makes you think of. Is your body pleasured right now?

A summer of surrender…and a fall of getting naked

Hello all,

It’s been lovely to be offline for a few weeks this summer and forced to, having both kids with me most of the summer, forget a bit about work and concentrate entirely on living.

My summer’s themes have been sunshine (a lot), surrender (spending all day with two children forces me to either surrender or fight to the death, which is exhausting), and sensuality. Not bad, not bad…

I have had moments where I’ve been amazed and inspired with my ability to find so much love and patience with them when another version of myself would have hung them up by their ankles, and then I’ve been so disheartened in those moments where iron claws of ego, perfectionism and the need to control made that impossible. So I wobbled back and forth between feeling divine (free, released, chilled out, relaxed, with the flow) and DIVINE (being the essence of what it is to feel my highest self) and then feeling like just a lowly human being after all, holding on to all this stuff that keeps me from really being free.

My greatest moments were spent on the beach, expanding into all the sensuality – the heat of the sun on my skin, the caress of a soft summer breeze, the rhythm of the waves, the feeling of the sand shifting under my body, the smell of water and fish and green in the air. Mmmm, it reminded me of how blissful I find the beach and why.

I always find the transition between summer and fall hard. On one hand, I ache for more time with no schedule, more surrender, more relaxation, one more day in the sand and on the other hand, I crave the routine, the schedule and that special feeling of energy and creation that I always get in September.

One thing that this summer allowed me to practice is releasing. Surrendering more and more. Letting go. And then letting go more. I want to get naked in my life. I am slowly letting layers slip off my skin and finding that I feel lighter and more clear with every new shed. Do the layers ever end? I don’t know. But I do know that every time I let go, everything I am, my body, my heart, my brain, my soul exhales with relief. It feels peaceful and joyful and oh, so, right.

Easy? Nope. But……that’s okay.

As the fall starts, I’m going to be talking about my October 15th retreat, which is approaching. I’m going to be talking about why it might be a good fit for what you are wanting in your life right now and my intention behind what I teach.

If one of the things that you yearn for is to let shit go, I’m right there with you. We are going to be releasing ourselves from some tightness and iron claws through movement, desires and nourishment.

A naked woman is a sight to behold. Are you ready to release yourself from the obligation of carrying stuff that doesn’t serve you? That doesn’t allow you to shine or be fully loved? That just feels so freaking heavy and tiring to hold on to? If the answer is yes, join me at the October 15th Juicy Woman Revolution full-day retreat. Let’s get naked.

Sophie xo

An “a-ha” moment and why the body is IT

 

 

I’ve been talking a lot about my upcoming full-day Juicy Woman Revolution retreat happening on Saturday, July 16th in Toronto, Ontario. My two big goals for you if you attend is that you have a mind-blowing experience and that you leave with tools to continue to feel that way in your day-to-day life.

Registration opens in June. I’m freaking excited and honoured and thrilled and can’t wait.

Here’s an “a-ha” moment I had recently.

I attended a Woman of Company conference a few weeks ago and on my way there, I was trying to sum up what I do in one sentence. Conferences are the kind of places where you have to answer the question, “What do you do?” a hundred times. It can either feel really exciting and good or it can bring up fear and anxiety. Usually, I like to talk a lot about what I do and I can find it hard to edit it down to one essential sentence. But I knew I needed to get my idea across quickly before I could go on and on about it.

Here’s what I decided I would give a trial run. “My name is Sophie Luxton and my business is Juicy Woman Revolution. I help women to live more in their bodies and less in their heads.”

Boom, as they say. (visualize mic drop image here)

Every time I said that to a woman, her face relaxed, her shoulders dropped and she silently nodded.

This line worked. Every woman I talked to felt that she was too much in her brain and knew that it wasn’t where she wanted to be…and intuitively, she knew that being in her body, being in HER, could give her what she was looking for.

The body is it, y’all.  (Dance break here.)

Everything I deeply care about goes back to the body. It is where I believe women have their greatest chance at living inside their authenticity, their truth, their power and beauty, their magnificent range of colours and emotions, their sensuality and sexuality and it is the place that a woman can live from, that believes in her 100%. It is a power source of self-love, self-knowing and self-honouring. I think that the way we live right now exalts the brain and diminishes the body. We are taught to trust either the brain (full of lots of self-sabotaging crap, as we all know) or someone else. We have a crisis of confidence – we don’t trust ourselves enough. And when we live in the body more than in the brain, we start to be led by our truth and we start to trust ourselves again. You know what that feels like? It feels like your life is your own. And you live deeply AS YOU.

So, that is what we will be living in at the July JWR retreat.

Thank you to everyone who sent in their questions. Here are two questions that I got a lot:

1. The thought of doing a lot of work in my body and “deeply connecting” to my body freaks me out and makes me anxious because I am not loving my body right now and I don’t know if I can do it…or want to, connect with it.

I get it. And I’m going to ask you to allow yourself to experience something different in your body. I’m going to ask you to allow for the possibility that you can love your body, just as she is, and that you can deeply connect with your body, just as she is, and that it will feel soulfully, deliciously, emotionally, wonderfully good.

2. I don’t feel comfortable with getting emotional. I actually don’t think I want to get emotional because I don’t know what I’m going to feel and I don’t want to fall apart in front of total strangers.

We have a kleenex box with your name on it. Here’s the deal. Yup, this is emotional stuff. Meaning, we feel. That’s it. We just feel. We don’t hide anymore. We don’t squish down everything and compress it and hide it under the bed or in the corridors of our soul or in crevices or in the dark somewhere. We feel it. And that can be overwhelming. And sometimes it can be uncomfortable. It can also be transformative. Beautiful. Incredibly powerful. Full of love. Freeing. Releasing. Cleansing.

Here’s what one woman said on that topic –  “I had only one fear, to reach a place that would make me feel vulnerable and that would make me feel emotional…and that’s exactly what happened and I LOVED IT!! I usually bottle up my stress and this felt very relieving.”

 In other words, if what you are doing now doesn’t make you feel the way you want to feel, why not try this?

In the comments below, I’d love for you to share some of your thoughts of living in the brain vs living in the body. Is this something you think about? Is it something you have explored before? Or are now?

My tools for keeping my sexy alive and happy

Gorgeous. How is your sexy doing these days? Is she alive and buzzing? Vibrant and ever-expanding? Happily bouncing along with every step you take?

Or is she numb? Asleep? Does she feel like a relic from another age? When you were young/single/happy/loved/confident/less busy….?

If so, you are not alone.

I believe that our sexy is like an orchid. She needs very particular conditions to flourish. The right temperature. The right light. The right soil. The right amount of water.

So what happens when you throw this gorgeous orchid into a world where she is pulled in a million directions, where she rushes around, wearing the many faces of employee, boss, business owner, student, girlfriend, wife, daughter, student, friend, house cleaner, mother, cook and care taker? What happens to her when you turn her speed up to 10, fill her every waking moment with tasks and a constant pressure to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE and end her days feeling like there is still so much to do. Give her anxiety, stress, worry, self-doubt on top of that. And definitely not enough rest. Or relaxation. Fun. Self-care. Self-love. Bliss. Adventure. Sensuality.

Grow, orchid, grow!

Sigh. Poor darlings. Our orchids need some attention. They are calling out to us for help and nourishment.

I want a luscious, full, vibrant and honoured sexuality. And I work at it. Here are three of my tools for keeping my sexy alive and happy, despite it all.

#1. I constantly remind myself that wherever I am on the “sexy scale” is totally fine and allowed. And perfectly normal.

I don’t want any pressure around my sexuality. Or stress. Or expectation. I want it to add to my life, not be an additional thing that I have to “be good at”. There are so many pressures on women around their sexuality. We should be having sex x amount of times a week. We should be wearing sexy lingerie every day. We should feel like sex when we have time…or a break…or a decent offer….or a night without the kids…or whatever we think the “right” circumstances are to have it. Yuck. It can start to feel like another job.

The reality is, we are all in different places in our sexual journey and exploration. And instead of having yet another place in our lives to judge, critique and feel like failures, what would happen if we just loved where we are right now and were curious, excited and emboldened by what else we could learn about ourselves?

This idea was really highlighted by this amazing book called “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, PhD. (By the way, I’ve got an interview lined up for us with a Toronto woman who is writing a book on female desire and pleasure. Yum. Stay tuned.)

Here’s Emily’s quote that, I believe, has the power to completely change how you feel about your sexuality.

“When you embrace your sexuality precisely as it is right now, that’s the context that creates the greatest potential for ecstatic pleasure.”

Man. Doesn’t that feel good? The pressure is off. Freedom! Thank you, Emily.

#2. I touch myself.

The more connected I am to my body, the more I can appreciate and enjoy any sensual pleasure. I touch myself a lot. In the shower. When I am stressed. When I need to get out of my head. When I feel like I need some self-love. I stroke the back of my neck. I run my fingers through my hair. I tickle my sides and run my hands up and down my thighs. It’s not about a sexual connection (always); it’s about a physical connection with my skin. It helps me to relax. It gets me out of my head. It has skyrocketed my love for my body. And it brings my readiness for pleasure up to the surface. Touch your skin. Whenever you can. Awaken it.

 

sensual woman

 

#3. I have a really big idea of what my sexuality is.

I don’t think of my sexuality as just when I have sex. It’s too narrow a definition for me and too dependent on my partner. I think of my sexuality as including self-pleasuring, fantasies and stories, reading about sex, discovering new things about myself. It includes times when I feel aroused, times when I feel my body pulsing with that energy. Flirting. Finding someone attractive. And days when I have a deep self-love and celebration of myself. That is a sexy energy for me.

I define what I want my sexuality to be and to feel like.

We get to that sensual part in our Juicy Woman Revolution class. When we are in the dark, when we are alone in a room full of other women and when the music rushes over us, we begin to feel our unique juice. It begins to awaken. To stir. To rise. This is one of the most powerful experiences in the class. If you are ready to really reclaim your sexuality for yourself, consider joining us for the next session of the Juicy Woman Revolution course starting on October 8th. Registration closes on October 1st. You can register and read all of the details here.

Psst. If you are interested in the idea of turning up your sexy, keep your eyes open for my brand-new e-course – “Wake up, unblock and reclaim your sexy”. I am beyond excited about it and creating it right now with a planned release of January 2016. Stay tuned!

The conversations we are NOT having about female desire

Female desire is a big issue these days. What it is. How it works. What it needs. What we don’t know about it. Why women lose it. How and if they can get it back. If there is a drug that can re-create it. (There are lots of people working hard on this one.)

I am so turned on by women’s desire. Mostly because I want desire to be a big part of my life. And I think a woman’s connection to her sexuality and desire can be the difference between a life lived plodding along and a life lived deeply and fully. So my ears perk up at every mention of it. And the more I read about it, think about it and listen to other people thinking about it, the more I think about what we are NOT talking about.

First of all, the very term “female desire” comes with a whole host of baggage for most women. Shame around what is “normal” or what they “should” be doing or feeling. Shame around what they really want but can’t ask for. Disappointment in their current desire-deficient lives. Trying to openly and honestly embrace desire while living in a culture that dishonours and fears it. Trying to fit it in on a large list of priorities.

Here’s what I don’t think we are talking about enough. And I’m not just talking about the conversations happening on the radio or in the media. I’m talking about in circles of women. At the poolside. Picking up the kids at camp. Drinks on the patio. After yoga class. During coffee talks.

Let’s talk about the challenges of maintaining desire in a long-term relationship because sometimes desire needs newness, the unknown, the first time, spontaneity…..not routine, stability and constancy.

Let’s talk about how a woman’s desire might skyrocket if, instead of experiencing fast-forward sex (because everyone is exhausted, overwhelmed, tuned out, stressed out and disconnected), she was treated to hours of build-up, whatever touch she wanted and however she wanted to proceed. If her every wish was possible.

Let’s talk about what would happen to a woman’s desire if she felt that she could honestly say what she wanted.

Let’s talk about ways to un-numb a woman’s desire. Ways to lift off the heavy burdens that cover it up like “it’s been too long”, stress, fatigue, self-loathing, disconnection with the body, a long period without a partner, a broken heart.

Let’s talk about how it is literally impossible for a woman to feel desire if, instead of feeling adored, nourished, beautiful and sacred, she feels overworked, overstressed, undernourished and undervalued. (I’m not talking about how a woman is treated by her partner only but how she is treated by society as well.)

Let’s talk about how a woman’s desire is nuanced. That she doesn’t only need intimacy, connection and gentle touches. Sometimes she needs to be ravished. Taken. Roughly. There is no key-in-lock approach to what a woman truly desires except for what she desires for herself. Changing on a daily basis.

Let’s talk about the connection between a woman’s desire and her general level of happiness. It’s awfully hard to be filled with desire when you are unhappy. Depressed. Unmotivated. Uninspired. In a dead-end job or a dead-end relationship or just wondering “Is this all there is?”

Let’s talk about how hard it is for a woman to maintain a vibrant sensual and sexual life – that nourishes and feeds desire – when she is always on the go, always distracted, always tired, always worried, always thinking about what she needs to do the next day…

Let’s talk about how hard it is for most women to have open and honest conversations with their partners about what they really want and how they really want it. And having those conversations is something that we’ve never been taught to do.

I could go on and on but I know you have other things to do in your life. (I don’t, obviously.)

I’m curious, in the comments below, what conversations do you want to have about women’s desire?

P.S. Look for the upcoming Juicy Woman Revolution course coming in Fall 2015. It’s going to give you a place to feel your truth about your desires.

Why I use THIS word to describe my sexuality

There are two words that have become part of my lexicon that, even a few years ago, would have warranted an eye-roll from me. Or seven.

Goddess.

Sacred.

The idea of the Goddess was so airy-fairy, so dripping with yuck, so reminiscent of patchouli and underarm hair that I dismissed the word absolutely. It was only later that I connected the word to an honour, a celebration and a divine right for every woman to be.

Sacred had the same associations for me until I started to realize that by not treating anything in my life as sacred, I was allowing it to be desecrated. When I started to think of things as being sacred, they became things that I wanted to protect. Things I wanted to nourish and provide for. Things I believed in.

And now that I look back on my life, I see that I was expecting for someone else to treat me like a goddess. For someone else to make me feel sacred. I didn’t feel powerful or worthy enough to claim those words for myself. I didn’t understand yet that it was up to me to choose it first.

I now consider my sexuality sacred. But I didn’t always.

 

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