My tools for keeping my sexy alive and happy

Gorgeous. How is your sexy doing these days? Is she alive and buzzing? Vibrant and ever-expanding? Happily bouncing along with every step you take?

Or is she numb? Asleep? Does she feel like a relic from another age? When you were young/single/happy/loved/confident/less busy….?

If so, you are not alone.

I believe that our sexy is like an orchid. She needs very particular conditions to flourish. The right temperature. The right light. The right soil. The right amount of water.

So what happens when you throw this gorgeous orchid into a world where she is pulled in a million directions, where she rushes around, wearing the many faces of employee, boss, business owner, student, girlfriend, wife, daughter, student, friend, house cleaner, mother, cook and care taker? What happens to her when you turn her speed up to 10, fill her every waking moment with tasks and a constant pressure to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE and end her days feeling like there is still so much to do. Give her anxiety, stress, worry, self-doubt on top of that. And definitely not enough rest. Or relaxation. Fun. Self-care. Self-love. Bliss. Adventure. Sensuality.

Grow, orchid, grow!

Sigh. Poor darlings. Our orchids need some attention. They are calling out to us for help and nourishment.

I want a luscious, full, vibrant and honoured sexuality. And I work at it. Here are three of my tools for keeping my sexy alive and happy, despite it all.

#1. I constantly remind myself that wherever I am on the “sexy scale” is totally fine and allowed. And perfectly normal.

I don’t want any pressure around my sexuality. Or stress. Or expectation. I want it to add to my life, not be an additional thing that I have to “be good at”. There are so many pressures on women around their sexuality. We should be having sex x amount of times a week. We should be wearing sexy lingerie every day. We should feel like sex when we have time…or a break…or a decent offer….or a night without the kids…or whatever we think the “right” circumstances are to have it. Yuck. It can start to feel like another job.

The reality is, we are all in different places in our sexual journey and exploration. And instead of having yet another place in our lives to judge, critique and feel like failures, what would happen if we just loved where we are right now and were curious, excited and emboldened by what else we could learn about ourselves?

This idea was really highlighted by this amazing book called “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, PhD. (By the way, I’ve got an interview lined up for us with a Toronto woman who is writing a book on female desire and pleasure. Yum. Stay tuned.)

Here’s Emily’s quote that, I believe, has the power to completely change how you feel about your sexuality.

“When you embrace your sexuality precisely as it is right now, that’s the context that creates the greatest potential for ecstatic pleasure.”

Man. Doesn’t that feel good? The pressure is off. Freedom! Thank you, Emily.

#2. I touch myself.

The more connected I am to my body, the more I can appreciate and enjoy any sensual pleasure. I touch myself a lot. In the shower. When I am stressed. When I need to get out of my head. When I feel like I need some self-love. I stroke the back of my neck. I run my fingers through my hair. I tickle my sides and run my hands up and down my thighs. It’s not about a sexual connection (always); it’s about a physical connection with my skin. It helps me to relax. It gets me out of my head. It has skyrocketed my love for my body. And it brings my readiness for pleasure up to the surface. Touch your skin. Whenever you can. Awaken it.

 

sensual woman

 

#3. I have a really big idea of what my sexuality is.

I don’t think of my sexuality as just when I have sex. It’s too narrow a definition for me and too dependent on my partner. I think of my sexuality as including self-pleasuring, fantasies and stories, reading about sex, discovering new things about myself. It includes times when I feel aroused, times when I feel my body pulsing with that energy. Flirting. Finding someone attractive. And days when I have a deep self-love and celebration of myself. That is a sexy energy for me.

I define what I want my sexuality to be and to feel like.

We get to that sensual part in our Juicy Woman Revolution class. When we are in the dark, when we are alone in a room full of other women and when the music rushes over us, we begin to feel our unique juice. It begins to awaken. To stir. To rise. This is one of the most powerful experiences in the class. If you are ready to really reclaim your sexuality for yourself, consider joining us for the next session of the Juicy Woman Revolution course starting on October 8th. Registration closes on October 1st. You can register and read all of the details here.

Psst. If you are interested in the idea of turning up your sexy, keep your eyes open for my brand-new e-course – “Wake up, unblock and reclaim your sexy”. I am beyond excited about it and creating it right now with a planned release of January 2016. Stay tuned!

I know you think this is impossible

There is one thing that most women have in common. We hate something about our bodies. In fact, it seems like it’s something that just HAS TO BE. There is no other option. If you are a woman, you hate something about your body. Or everything. Or you wish just one thing was different. Even women with “perfect” bodies hate something. Or everything. Or wish that just one thing was different.

Have you ever met a woman who said “I’m loving my body right now” with a big juicy smile on her face? And if she did, would you look at her body to see if it was perfect because, otherwise, how could she love it?

We are taught that our bodies aren’t loveable unless they are perfect. And then, even as adults, we continue to carry that bullshit with us.

I’m here to tell you that I know the way we feel about our bodies can change. Without our bodies changing at all. I’ve experienced it and I’ve seen it happen with other women.

Does that sound like a place you’d love to be? A place where you just loved your body as it is right now and didn’t feel the constant pressure to work out, not eat that, eat that, deprive yourself, hate your body into perfection?

It’s possible.

Many of us have this idea that we can only love and celebrate our bodies when they are perfect. When we lose the weight. Get in shape. Force the body into perfection through discipline and punishment. Turns out, that’s a pile of shit. Yes, I love eating well. I love feeling my body get strong. I love enjoying my body. And I also know that I can change my body with my mind. (Somehow, that line came out in a Darth Vader voice…).

I know this is true. You can change your relationship to your body without having to change a thing about it. Basically, everything you want to feel in your body (accepting, loving, enjoying, sensual, sexy, desirable) is possible right now. You don’t need to lose weight. Change your body. Force. Deprive. Punish. Willpower. Just do it.

Here’s how one Juicy Woman Revolution alumni put it when she was asked “How has the course changed your relationship with your body?”

“It’s made me more attentive to my body. I think I became so used to criticizing my jiggly thighs and belly and arms that I forgot about the precious nooks and crannies. This course made me remember and appreciate. I feel so much more kindly towards my body now, all of it. (And shockingly, to me, when I’m in the moment, dancing, seeing and feeling my body, I don’t feel jiggly at all! ). What a weight lifted – the burden of loathing the fat. I didn’t even realize and didn’t expect that I could be free of that.”

And there you have it. Let go of the burden of wishing your body was different. Touch it. Dance in it. Use it. Treat it well. Caress it. Snuggle it. Indulge it. NOW. PS. Your body wants you to love her.

If you want to change your body, change your mind.

P.S. Look for the upcoming Juicy Woman Revolution course coming in Fall 2015.

In the comments below, I’d love to hear if you have had any moments in your life where you loved your body, even when it wasn’t perfect. And what allowed that to happen for you?

This is what I saw in her eyes

The other day, a gorgeously sunny day, I was out and about when I saw a beautiful young woman with amazing legs. I am a leg girl. I mean, I always wanted fabulous legs. I covet legs. Shapely calves. Lean hamstrings. Legs that break hearts in high heels and are born for Daisy Duke’s and miniskirts. And this woman had a great set of them. As I watched her and her legs, I noticed another woman looking at her as well. And instantly, I could feel that there was a difference in how we were experiencing looking at this woman.

I had a smile on my face because I was enjoying those great legs. It made me happy. But this woman’s face was tight and pinched. It wasn’t happy. I saw negativity and self-loathing in her eyes. She wasn’t being uplifted by this woman’s beauty. It was depressing her. De-pressing her. And I recognized that feeling. I used to feel like that. But I wasn’t feeling like that now. What had changed?

I racked my little old brain and then I realized that my appreciation of her had no echo.

Previously, the inner conversation may have sounded something like this, “God, that woman is gorgeous.” Then, “I will never have legs like that. I bet she is totally naturally thin. She must have a boyfriend who adores her. She probably gets anything she wants because her legs are so perfect. I want her life.” Etc. But that day, there was no echo. None of that inner chatter. It made me smile, it didn’t make me self-bash. And that was the difference.

Freedom

 

Damn girl, I said to myself, I’m proud of you. Because I knew my experience was a result of a lot of hard work. I work hard at enhancing my sense of my own beauty through appreciation and attention. The more I love, celebrate, adore, know, nurture and really LIVE in myself, the less critical chatter I have. The less other women’s beauty diminishes me. The less I see other women as competition. People to judge. People to tear down to lift myself up.

This kind of work isn’t easy. But it is possible. And it brings an incredible amount of freedom, joy and peace into our lives. It’s the only way to experience other women’s beauty, successes and happiness as uplifting and not diminishing. So, here’s to no echo. Let’s turn our attention, love, appreciation and sense of curiosity towards ourselves and be the first ones to stand up for our own beauty, rightness, worthiness and unique awesomeness.

P.S. Look for the upcoming Juicy Woman Revolution course coming in Fall 2015.

How I started to get my mojo back – Part 1

Last week, I said that I was going to share my thoughts on how to feel like a sexual and sensual woman. Even when you don’t have partner. Even when you are pissed off and tired. Even when you are not having sex. Even when you think you will never feel full of desire again. Even when you feel totally disconnected from your own skin. Even when.

 

Mojo, baby. Mojo. Yeah!

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About a year ago, I had a revealing and ultimately freeing realization. I did not feel sexy. This was a big one for me because I had built a business, a persona and a life around being sexy. The embodiment of sexy. The confidence of sexy. This sexiness I had was part natural fire, part lifestyle (performing and teaching “sexy” dancing) and part love life (available and yearning and always feeling the excitement of about-to-meet-the-next-one).

When everything about that scenario changed – my natural fire had been dampened by life, my lifestyle didn’t include teaching and performing anymore (blocked, temporarily, by babies) and I was married (not feeling the excitement of about-to-meet-the-next-one anymore) – my feelings of sexiness took a dive.

Hmm, I thought. (After feeling quite blue and sniffly.)

Of course, my first response was to look to the outside to MAKE ME FEEL SEXY! There were lots of strong feelings about resentment, blame and why-don’t-you-make-me-feel-the-way-I-want-to-feel? And then, just underneath all of that, I had another revealing/breakthrough thought. It wasn’t that the world didn’t make me feel sexy. It was that I DIDN’T FEEL SEXY.

After lots of thinking and truth-searching, I realized that I had to start with me. That what I wanted to feel had to come from me. Not from anyone else. Because if it came from someone else and I still didn’t feel it, it wasn’t real. It wasn’t what I wanted. And I didn’t think it was fair to expect anyone else to make me feel a certain way. And I also didn’t want anyone else to have that power over me.

So what is a girl to do? A simple, fun-loving girl who just wants to feel sexy, in touch with lust and feel like her sensuality is still evolving, growing and expanding?

Well, like any good girl, she starts learning. And that’s what I did. I found books, online courses and discussions that were great inspiration. And I also turned the power of my own wisdom and intuition towards this opportunity. I decided that my whole sex life was going to revolve around me for a while. Me, me, me. I wanted to spend time and effort on my sexuality, not connected with anyone else. What was my sexual essence? How could I feel sexually alive in my body? How could I fall in love with sensations again? What turned me on? I got selfish and greedy and it felt great.

If I wanted to feel sexy again, it was going to be an inside job. I would have to infuse, build-up, create, unleash and drench every cell in my body with sexiness. With good ole fashioned hard work.

(And by the way, I think that maintaining your mojo and a connection to your sexuality is a discipline. Requires work. Just like making your pleasure a priority. Just like putting your own needs higher up the food chain. Just like reaching for more and wanting more in your life. It is not the easy way to live; it is the harder way to live. But, oh my. So bloody worth it.)

First things first. If you want to feel more sexual, more sensual, more juicy and alive in your body, turn your focus and attention inwards. Forgot the outside for a bit. Go on a staycation.

(If you’d like to spend some time connecting with your sexual essence, join me for a workshop in February, March or April. Find the details here.)

More to come next week. In the meantime, just the simple act of thinking about your sensuality as something that comes from the inside and not from the outside, is a powerful and revolutionary act. And, it’s mighty fun too!

 

3 pounds vs 8 cookies?

(By the way, this photo is taken from “Advanced Style” – both a book and a documentary about women in their later years who continue to shine and express themselves with outrageous joy for life. Gorgeous and inspiring. You can find out more about “Advanced Style” here.)

I was in the gym over the holidays and overheard a conversation between two women, both in their late 50’s. One stood on the scale and told her friend that she was up 2 pounds and it was because of the 7 or 8 shortbread cookies she had eaten the night before. Her friend commiserated with her. And then they both remarked that that was the very reason they came to the gym.

I found this conversation both interesting and depressing. Interesting because it was the exact conversation I could imagine happening between two teenage girls; caught in that vulnerable time where it is a challenge to love themselves as they are, without forcing their bodies to be something else. But these weren’t teenage girls. These were fully-formed grown women. Had their measure of their bodies not changed at all? How sad, I thought.

Her obsession with those insignificant numbers seemed so……..small. Such a small and insignificant way to measure the value of a body. Or of a life.

(I was secretly hoping to overhear another conversation between two women, both in their late 50’s, about how they were now “up 2 pounds” because they had been on vacation in Italy with their 20 year-old boyfriends and had put on weight eating delicious food and making love all day. No such luck YET!)

Then I started to think about different ways to measure life with numbers and here are some ideas I came up with;

We can measure the # of times:

* we are brave enough to say something we are afraid of saying

* we compliment someone on a job well done and make their day

* we have, think about, desire or imagine mind-blowing, glorious sex

* we go out dancing

* we lose ourselves in the moment and feel transported out of regular life

* we pee our pants from laughing

* we are honest and vulnerable and REAL in a conversation with a trusted one

* we experience ecstasy in our bodies

* we play outside

* we have opera playing while we cook Italian food and drink red wine

* we smile at strangers

* we discover something new about the city we live in

* we cry. Real, big, emotional, pure, cathartic tears

* we go deep into our hearts and change our lives

* we eat 7 or 8 shortbread cookies and then dance to this song!

So, here’s to a New Year filled with bigger, brighter, richer, sweeter and sexier ways to measure our days!

 

Meet your most fearless, confident and pure self

“She does what she wants and never anything to impress or please. She dances in the shadows when she wants and on centre stage when she wants. Her body is made for pleasure and she curves and rolls and reaches and mesmerizes. She is ice cold and fire hot. She is untouchable. Untameable. Unknowable.”

These are some of the notes I made at the S-Factor retreat in January 2014, almost a year ago. They were notes made about my EC, my erotic creature (as Sheila Kelley defines the “feminine body” all women have). I remember having such a clear idea of who my EC was. Once I was ready to see and feel her, she took shape in an effortless and magical way. I questioned nothing about her; she was my perfect fit.

When I tapped into her (with the benefit of the time and space that retreat allowed me), she had an instant effect on me. Anxieties disappeared. The thought of apologizing for anything was gone. Self-doubt, questioning my actions, thinking about what I should do instead of what I wanted to do seemed like an ancient and forgotten way of being. My deep core confidence was both as light as a feather and as unalterable as a mountain. She was unshakeable. I was unshakeable. Pure magic. A deep love affair.

Seeing her, really seeing who she was, was one of the greatest moments during that retreat and had a lasting and powerful effect on me. I was so inspired to keep her with me, to give her what she needed to show up more often in my life. I wanted her to be a strong presence in my life and, therefore, to change it.

Let me ask you, who is your “erotic creature?” Do you know her? If you are like me, maybe you lost track of her as your energy got directed everywhere else (really, everyone else) except within.

She won’t come out if you just call her. She requires time and space to be known. She is not likely to be your outward personality, the facade you put on at parties or social events. She’s not likely to be who your friends think she is – although she might have some elements, if they know you well. She might not even be who you want her to be. But she will be the purest and most fearless essence of yourself. And when you wake her up, that confidence and fearlessness will start to pulse through your “real” life as well.

She is not in your brain. You can’t think her alive. You have to feel her alive. Move her alive. She is in your cells, your soul and your spirit. She is in your body; all it’s curves and stories and moments and tears and heights and depths and passion and despair.

When does she show herself? I have found her most easily when I dance. When I dance for myself, in my own moves, being guided by my own feelings and emotions.

When you move in meditation, with music that fits you, she’ll come out. When you feel free to feel anything you want – your lust, your shyness, your anger, your coldness, your aggression, your sweetness – she’ll come out. She is your core sensual essence, your intrinsic nature, your quintessential soul, stripped clean of anything that tarnishes and devalues her. She has a fearlessness that blows away self-doubt, expands your spirit, blows your mind and makes you feel FINALLY AT HOME.

If you listen for her, she’s there. All the women joining me next year in the inaugural Juicy Woman Revolution Course will have the honour of meeting her perhaps for the first time or of re-aquainting themselves with her.

In further news, I will be taking a break from these letters over the holidays to just unplug and have mad fun. My most juicy best to everyone over the holidays and here’s to a bubbly, inspirational, diamonds-in-the-sky and magic-is-possible New Year’s. I look forward to our adventures in 2015. And thank you very much for all of your emails and support and attention this year. I am honoured.

Sophie

 

My thoughts on beauty…

 

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Now that I have a daughter, I have been examining my opinion of the word “beautiful” and what beauty is. Or should be.

Little girls hear a lot about being beautiful. They are told they look so pretty in their dress. That they are beautiful. Adorable. Cute. Smile for the camera! There is something in all of that that makes me feel uncomfortable. Whether it’s from a stranger or a close family member, I can’t help but hear the message loud and clear – that for girls, being beautiful is important. That it is tied up in their worth, their value, their destiny.

On the other hand, banning the word all together doesn’t feel right either. Because it’s a wonderful thing to say and it’s a wonderful thing to feel.

How can we have beauty on our own terms so it fuels and lifts us up and doesn’t denigrate or diminish us?

Continue reading “My thoughts on beauty…”

What I hear A LOT from women…

You_Are_Beautiful_by_Tiggular

Here’s what I hear a lot from women when I send out an email about a workshop I’m having. You know, one of those sexy workshops.

“Sophie, I would love to some day but I’m just not ready yet.”

“I’m trying to lose some weight and when I do, I’ll totally come.”

“I don’t have anyone in my life right now.”

“I’m just too tired. I don’t have time.”

“When I’m feeling braver, I’ll come.”

Bah, I say. BAH!

It breaks my heart and makes me mad at the world that women should feel that there is a “perfect” time to express and pay attention to their sensuality. (By the way, I’m going to use sensuality to mean all of our sexual and sensual energies. Sexual is so limited; sensual embraces all possible pleasures. Which just sounds so much more divine, non?!)

Our sensual self is there. Here. All the time. She is there when we have bellies that roll over the top of our jogging pants. She is there when we are buzzing with lust, strutting in high heels, falling in love. She is there when we feel awkward. Shy. Shameful. When we don’t know how to say what we want to say. She is there when we feel like we will never desire again. Never feel anything again. She is there when we are trying to recover from an injustice. A violation of the worst kind. A rejection. A hurtful comment from a lover. She is there when we are the “perfect” weight. She is there afterwards. And before. She is there after we have a baby, an injury, a surgery and we’re facing new bodies. She is there when we are exploding with pleasure. She is there when no-one else is. She is still there when we feel too old to live as a sensual woman. When we feel that we are too married. Too damaged. Too unworthy. She is there when we are tired, depleted, at rock bottom, sad, angry and lost.

Continue reading “What I hear A LOT from women…”

“…and I love myself!”

The other day, my three-year old daughter was telling me who she loved. The usual; mummy, daddy, baby brother and then she said “…and I love myself.”

Wow. How did she know that? Where did she get that from? We’ve never talked about how she should love herself or the power of positive messages.

She said it naturally and without any sense of it being different than loving anyone else on the list.

What perfection. You better hold on to that, baby, because you’re going to need that in the future, I thought.

Weren’t we all there once? As little girls, did we not all have that moment, or day, or year, or phase, when we were so in love with ourselves that to NOT be in love with ourselves would have been incomprehensible?

Continue reading ““…and I love myself!””

“Feeling” vs “being”…

“You have no need to travel anywhere. Journey within yourself, enter a mine of rubies and bathe in the splendour of your own light.” Rumi

There is a difference between being and feeling.

This took me some time to understand. And I still need to constantly remind myself to aim for feeling, not being.

Being is easy if your description of what you want to “be” matches what the outside world thinks. For example, it’s easy to “be” beautiful if you are what most of the outside world believes is beautiful. Well, until you gain weight. Until you age. Until your looks change. Or until your idea of beautiful changes.

(Which, of course, always happens.)

And what if you were never what the outside world considered beautiful? Well then, no beautiful for you!

Hmm, that can’t be right because that just doesn’t sound fair or fun or joyful or alive or vibrant or powerful or feminine AT ALL.

Continue reading ““Feeling” vs “being”…”