Gorgeous. How is your sexy doing these days? Is she alive and buzzing? Vibrant and ever-expanding? Happily bouncing along with every step you take?
Or is she numb? Asleep? Does she feel like a relic from another age? When you were young/single/happy/loved/confident/less busy….?
If so, you are not alone.
I believe that our sexy is like an orchid. She needs very particular conditions to flourish. The right temperature. The right light. The right soil. The right amount of water.
So what happens when you throw this gorgeous orchid into a world where she is pulled in a million directions, where she rushes around, wearing the many faces of employee, boss, business owner, student, girlfriend, wife, daughter, student, friend, house cleaner, mother, cook and care taker? What happens to her when you turn her speed up to 10, fill her every waking moment with tasks and a constant pressure to DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE and end her days feeling like there is still so much to do. Give her anxiety, stress, worry, self-doubt on top of that. And definitely not enough rest. Or relaxation. Fun. Self-care. Self-love. Bliss. Adventure. Sensuality.
Grow, orchid, grow!
Sigh. Poor darlings. Our orchids need some attention. They are calling out to us for help and nourishment.
I want a luscious, full, vibrant and honoured sexuality. And I work at it. Here are three of my tools for keeping my sexy alive and happy, despite it all.
#1. I constantly remind myself that wherever I am on the “sexy scale” is totally fine and allowed. And perfectly normal.
I don’t want any pressure around my sexuality. Or stress. Or expectation. I want it to add to my life, not be an additional thing that I have to “be good at”. There are so many pressures on women around their sexuality. We should be having sex x amount of times a week. We should be wearing sexy lingerie every day. We should feel like sex when we have time…or a break…or a decent offer….or a night without the kids…or whatever we think the “right” circumstances are to have it. Yuck. It can start to feel like another job.
The reality is, we are all in different places in our sexual journey and exploration. And instead of having yet another place in our lives to judge, critique and feel like failures, what would happen if we just loved where we are right now and were curious, excited and emboldened by what else we could learn about ourselves?
This idea was really highlighted by this amazing book called “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski, PhD. (By the way, I’ve got an interview lined up for us with a Toronto woman who is writing a book on female desire and pleasure. Yum. Stay tuned.)
Here’s Emily’s quote that, I believe, has the power to completely change how you feel about your sexuality.
“When you embrace your sexuality precisely as it is right now, that’s the context that creates the greatest potential for ecstatic pleasure.”
Man. Doesn’t that feel good? The pressure is off. Freedom! Thank you, Emily.
#2. I touch myself.
The more connected I am to my body, the more I can appreciate and enjoy any sensual pleasure. I touch myself a lot. In the shower. When I am stressed. When I need to get out of my head. When I feel like I need some self-love. I stroke the back of my neck. I run my fingers through my hair. I tickle my sides and run my hands up and down my thighs. It’s not about a sexual connection (always); it’s about a physical connection with my skin. It helps me to relax. It gets me out of my head. It has skyrocketed my love for my body. And it brings my readiness for pleasure up to the surface. Touch your skin. Whenever you can. Awaken it.
#3. I have a really big idea of what my sexuality is.
I don’t think of my sexuality as just when I have sex. It’s too narrow a definition for me and too dependent on my partner. I think of my sexuality as including self-pleasuring, fantasies and stories, reading about sex, discovering new things about myself. It includes times when I feel aroused, times when I feel my body pulsing with that energy. Flirting. Finding someone attractive. And days when I have a deep self-love and celebration of myself. That is a sexy energy for me.
I define what I want my sexuality to be and to feel like.
We get to that sensual part in our Juicy Woman Revolution class. When we are in the dark, when we are alone in a room full of other women and when the music rushes over us, we begin to feel our unique juice. It begins to awaken. To stir. To rise. This is one of the most powerful experiences in the class. If you are ready to really reclaim your sexuality for yourself, consider joining us for the next session of the Juicy Woman Revolution course starting on October 8th. Registration closes on October 1st. You can register and read all of the details here.